Muammar Al Khadafi

There is nothing more disconcerting than the realization that you get ripped off on a regular basis.

First of all, lemme just say that the whole vending machine industry is a scam. They ply their trade and poison to the masses who are worked so ragged that they forget to eat,...and their mere presence in the workplace is nothing short of being an oasis in a desert to the common joe.

I have made various empty pledges to myself not to take advantage of their tempting and tasty treats....bein' fully aware that I don't even LIKE what they have to offer. I actually began a serious regimen in which I made a concerted effort to bring, in my little backpack, cottage cheese and tomatoes, bread and cheese and other earthy hippy,...umm,...things to eat.

In any event, back to the vending machine scam,...

I had made the somewhat disastrous decision to purchase a Hostess Lemon Pie last Friday night. Not the end of the world for my girlish figure, right?

I can have a lemon pie every now and again.

I pay one dollar for a lemon pie that was purchased from the close out store down on Harvard. The reason I know it is from the close out store is because the top of the package is denoted with a black magic marker strike. This means that this particular pie has seen it's day and the next step, if it wasn't sold to the vending machine company, was the trash.

The black mark says they bought it for 17 cents.

I agree to pay the mark-up price of a buck.

I slid my dollar into the dollar slider catchy thing and rotate the carousel to the enticing lemon pie.

The door negated to open when I slid it back. The digital readout flashed that the door was, indeed, open.

I just got ripped off.

There is nothing more infuriating than when this sort of hi-jinks plays out. I actually see red because the vending machine company, in it's quest to attain my hard-earned farthings, can't even demonstrate the aplomb to keep their pre-Vietnam War era machines in proper working order.

After I calm down from this,...ugly turn of events, I go and find a pice of scrap paper, and was about to write my name on it, when I see, out of the corner of my eye, an envelope from the vending machine company in which the front was emblazoned with strict instructions that the form be filled out, in it's entirety, or they will not grant a refund.

I dutifully scratched out all the pertinent information.

I then, to underscore my anger, filled out the remaing white area with the following:

Mother's maiden name
Dog's name
Soc Sec Num
Birthday

(All lies, of course)

I then wrote the following:

You now have the advantage. You have the money and the pie. Release the pie and this outrage will be forgotten. You have compromised our agreement. This is no longer about the money.

I wait with baited breath as to whether or not I will receive a response.

I then went over to the other machine and decided that I would purchase a small bag of "Famous Amos" chocolate chip cookies,...so as to assuage my sweet-tooth.

I got my bag and tore into it.

It wasn't twenty minutes later that I realized that I needed more.

I went and got another bag.

This, too, is a scam of the worst degree.

Do you realize that the cookies in the vending machine have a denser chocolate factor than those in the boxes at the store?

It's true. They have more sugar and chocolate than the cookies in the boxes at your neighborhood Wal-Mart.

I can't stand these people. They should be ashamed of themselves.

All I can say is Helter Skelter is comin' down fast for these people. They better get ready because the judgement day is at hand.

It's comin' down fast, man.

Anyway,....