Muammar Al Khadafi

Two desperates widow and widower after two years of relationship, agreed to built a new household after misery marriage, left kids lived with his/her ex. Sunday morning at 8 am both of them  look around the meeting room, to get some advice after done formal requirements and documents for a new marriage.

She - the widow - seem quite silent, mostly nodding to what she'd  heard in the talking, her lips curved slightly covered  her bitterness, her mind wandering,  soft make up, blank eyes thinking of something. She was not young anymore, in the beginning of thirties, slender, soft make up, tall as the widower,  black sweet skin, using chocolate batik gown. She look like responsible, super woman ?

While the man, the widower, sit next to her, talked as a speaker,  handed two divorced documents,  explained a summary of divorced strories as written in two blue files he'd handed over to me. Talking in soft voice,  looked bitterness in his face, disbelieved, anger still raw about his ex. He felt embarashed being a failed husband. His voice and thought burdensome of his support for the kid who lived with his ex, will followed him for the rest of his life.

The woman fall in love and married with her fiancee without any clues whatsoever that he was a narcotic addicted before they get married. After she gave birth to two kids, she'd struggling to cured him by all means. Took him to a special hospitals for addicted persons and several traditional  ways.

His parents ever beaten and tied him up for reprimand purpose of  his bad behaviour. Even they send him far away from home to Batam island, next to Singapore to separated him for sometime from his bad enviroment friends.

It was a common behaviour that he used  to wake up late since he hang up till dawn, couldn't went to work for couple of days., then he was fired and unemployed for a long periode of time. Although he had no more income at all, his addicted couldn't not stopped instantly. Sometime he forced her for some money or sold valuable things were available at home.

With such a bad attitude, he hadn't realized what should be the side effects to his younger son. Before the divorced, her mother kept her two kids away from him, worrisome of the bad effect. As a head of the family he no longer able to support the family and all the burden switched over to her shoulder.

The widower faced the similar consequences of irresponsible house wife. He was cheated behind his back not just heard the rumors, but she did it under his nose. She was used to return home late at night after office hours. If he tried to call her, her cell phone turned it off.  He'd wonder himself why its happened, since they  falled in loved and married after long relationship, 8 years. The marriage lasted just in a very short time,  2 years, a year after she delivered the baby boy. Recently he hardly seen his boy, that his ex wife hidden away.

Both of them were the victim of their irresposible spouses who ruined their happiness as written in the documents and as the main reasons of the divorced. Before went  to a deeper misery, while the kids young still, he/she sued their spouses to ended the marriage. Sooner is better.

Asking about their relationship with their children. She cleared her throat, said in soft voice : "One of the two kids should be with me", she said, since the kids needed a serious attention and nurtured from a mother. "It was sometime coming in my dream in the middle of the night", she said her faced looked down to the table clotch. Obviously, how come forgetting the kids growing in her womb for 9 months, they were her blood and flesh, they are not an ex kids.

Pause a moment thinking of the enviroment of her ex, an addicted father. Then she continued :"He never send me a dime for the kids support". Fortunately, she can afford her kids, since she worked well in Asset management company in Jakarta.
The new husband was a free businessman, he didn't explained what kind of bussiness he working at.

I had asking them a crucial question, concerning the passion with their ex in one hand and love with a new one in the other hand. Both of them quite a silent a while longer. Then I remind both of them, said :"Stop to love your ex, but  love only to your new spouse", while my eyes looked to both faces one at a time. They looked at each other, they kept silent just nodding for agreed.

But who know what were inside their heart ?

This is the most complicated task, as a parishioner or elders of the congregation, sure it had never been any experiences as a widower before, but we ougt to adviced,  mainly in their faith and their behaviours aspects. I can't held myself stood in church shoes alone without touching human aspects, wife/husband relationship with all hardships, tears and problems of household matters.

Fortunately, as an elders, the community had an assumption that an elders or parishioners had been  a  family idol, a happy and solid family background. In this images in their mind, I try hard to speak carefully, try stand on their shoes based on my own marriage history and my solid faith as well.

I never acknowledge myself of being known everythings, I wouldn't understandt what actually happened in every marriage, every house hold, hard feeling, misery, bitterness, bad experiences for every couples in many years in life.

D day coming, the new couple stood in 2 huge open front door of a church on mid afternoon on November 26, 2009, a piano instrument playing softly while the couple step forward slowly  followed by the parents of two sides untill a stopped in front of the altar where a tall priest and four elders, parishioners welcome and be sitted.

The two couple sitted down solemny in a special set chair, a chocholate bucket flowers in her hand over the lap, her lips curved slightly, gazing beyond the building, empty look. In her left side, a man of her choice, look full confident, serious pay attention to the ritual service, can't wait to say a vow how  he love this special women..

Priest reminded in a joke manner that even he was the best economist and she was as a chemist, don't underestimated your spouse. The preached ended with heavenly massage said : "Even you had everythings, famous, had a power, beauty, welknown....but without "love" means nothing". They gazed upward to face the preacher in the high standing saying : "So love your spouse as God love you too".

After the preaching, the tall white priest solemny placed his two long hands touching  their heads, a left hand over the women and the right hand over the man's head for blessing, said: "Whoever united by God never be divorced by human untill the death separated".

Then the ritual was over, followed by few symbols, such as certificates signing, bibles gift from the elders, placing the rings. Then followed by hug, kiss, shakehand to two side parents, beginning to the parents of man side before went to parents from the women side.

While placed a ring, he vowed loud, said: "I present this ring as a sign of my love and my faitfull to you". The the same words vowed by the women. No more kissing in fronth of attendances. These rings was the second time after the first devastated marriage was ended.

The couple got full supports for this second marriage by both side of the families shown by 93 family members coming to attend the service, quite a lot. And in the middle of the ritual, the two sides families show their happines by singing in the group chorus the songs title "Semua baik" and "Ucapan syukur".

Families and the congregations standed up and pray may God bless and the new couple surrender their live to God. Amin

After the photo session was over, we in line to congratulated the new spouse with their parents who stood side by side in front of the altar. When I extend my hand to the first person, father of the new husband, I had schocked, unbelieved, a thin black skin man, gray hair  was my friend in Tirta Mas swimming pool, East Jakarta. He gazed at me stunned, unbelieveabled that I was one of the four parishioners  who served the ritual service.

Tree weeks after the wedding, we swimmed regularly early tuesday warm morning. The first question I rised was : "What are your relationship with a man", I said when we took a break after two laps of 100 meters swim, in half naked, the water to our chest, he was a silent man, with a low, soft voice, admitted by saying :
"I didn't know their relationship for so long and suddenly informed me to get married", he said in bitter voice, remembered the first divorced with a Amboina women and her Manado mother.

In the mid afternoon, before the sermon service, the big time for the families, he had no intend whatsovever, not interested to attend the service. "Just in the last minutes I made up my mind" he said and went to the closet, took his tie and jacket, step  up in a car headed to the church. No wonder, his face, a dark skin, gray thin hair, his face far from smiling, sitted still followed the ritual of  his youngest and the only boy, since his brother had been passed away.

I had to hide the real name here in this blog in order  to keep it private. But this is a real story and I was desperate to tell it because so uniqe that the relationship and the chemistry united by the same background, same experiences, same understanding of diffrent histories.
I pray for the best.