Muammar Al Khadafi

Well, it had to happen. It seems that Bristol City Council has a policy in place to deal with an outbreak of zombies in the city, at least according to a Freedom of Information request.

At much risk to ourselves, an enterprising journalist with South West Nationalists has managed to obtain a page of an internal council memorandum which sheds much more light on what machinery the council will swing into action should the walking dead ever arrive in Bristol.

It's only 1 page, seemingly from a set of 3-4 pages.

- The term Zombie is to be considered a term of abuse, the word is rich with many negative connotations and sows the seeds for both overt and covert discrimination. Henceforth the term "Persons of Alternate Life Status" or "PALS" will be used. All staff referring to these PALS as zombies, walking dead, infected, or any other pejorative terms will be subject to disciplinary procedures.

- Neither should the arrival of Pals be referred to as an outbreak, plague, onslaught, or any other term implying negativity. Instead the term "enrichment" will be used.

Bristol City Council is committed to applying a policy of equality and diversity, and our response to an enrichment of PALS will reflect this both internally and in the wider community.

- Recognising the discrimination faced by PALS, upon any advent of any PALS enrichment, support groups will immediately be formed to assess their needs and ensure their successful integration into the community. To this end seven staff on the council have so far completed PALS equality training, and are equipped to provide for the needs of these unique and enriching new arrivals to Bristols welcoming diversity.

- Groups of support staff will be on hand to assist PALS in areas where, traditionally, they have faced difficulties. Staff will be available to provide advice and assistance in such areas as housing, the claiming of benefits, and the seeking of employment. Counter staff at benefits agencies and council desks will be issued with body armour so as not to be injured by PALS who make their traditional cultural greeting by attempting to bite chunks out of people.

- As a leader in the field of diversity, Bristol City Council has already set aside a proportion of its budget to fund a 5 year appointment of a PALS Community Advocate. This post will be filled by someone recruited from within the PALS community.

- Contracts have already been established to ensure that the dietary needs of any PALS children, students, and elderly who may require special care will be met. So that the council is not caught unprepared by the arrival of PALS, and so that the PALS do not see any shortfall in the quality of service which they can expect from the council, twenty five tonnes of offal has been sourced from Achmeds Halal Paradise and frozen in anticipation of future demand. The current city wide kebab shortage this has caused will be addressed in another policy document.

- Educational material is already in production, and will be sent to schools in anticipation of the PALS arrival. It is essential that the young can discover the truth about the PALS community and not be misled by the highly hostile perceptions and stereotypes which are prevalent in the media. Teachers have been instructed to treat any discrimination and negative attitudes among non PALS children as a racist incident.

- Consultations conducted with both Avon and Somerset Police, central government, and internally appointed legal staff, have led to the conclusion that PALS will be covered by existing legislation against hate crimes. A strategic partnership, in place with other government bodies, will ensure that such hatred will not be tolerated in Bristol.

- Cultural sensitivity is to be practised in all areas, and special emphasis placed upon PALS unique heritage. Actions which may be considered unacceptable by one community - such as eating the neighbours - are in fact a long held PALS custom. Council policy in such areas as social housing will reflect this. Other residents seeking to interfere with such freedom of cultural expression are to be (continues overleaf).

Okay, hands up - yes, of course all that is made up. But...doesn't it all seem oddly plausible, something which you could imagine our diversity and enrichment obsessed officials doing?

We'll find out when the zombies, errr PALS, arrive in Bristol I guess.

*Movie still used is from Land of the Dead